Losing Yourself
by Sakura the Cookie Monster
Summary: Motoki's POV, after Stars. Motoki ponders about the past and deals with change.


TITLE: Losing Yourself  
AUTHOR: Sakura the Cookie Monster  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: Just to save my own butt, here are the disclaimers. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Toei, etc.  
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**Another turning point;  
a fork stuck in the road.**  
  
You know, in my righteous age of twenty-one, I've learned that change is a very dangerous thing. I'm now an adult, and I hate it. I wish that time ceased when I was still sixteen, when I was still in high school. It was perfect when I knew that nothing would change between the five of us: Saori, Reika, Kobayashi, Mamoru, and myself. But, I think fate and time screwed all of us over. I've grown to hate change. And as I stand here, cleaning the counters in the arcade, I think about how different things would be if we were still the same as we were, five years ago.  
  
**Time grabs you by the wrist;  
directs you where to go.**  
  
I imagine Kobayashi as he was five years ago. He would wear a pair of shorts, a long-sleeved sweater, and a cowry shell necklace. He looked like a surfer dude when he was sixteen, but that didn't matter. He also had braces at the time, and the other people at school would call him "metal mouth". He was blissfully unaware of his raging hormones and the taunts of others. He was more interested in surfing and getting homework done. What made him give up the way he spoke, the way he dressed, the way he lived his life?   
  
Back then; he would've matched heads with Bill and Ted from that one movie that he loved so much. Now, I miss him. I miss the way he would talk to us and say stuff like "Heinous" and "Melvinized". Back then; he broke all types of tension with just simple words.  
  
**So make the best of this test  
and don't ask why.**  
  
Five years ago, Saori was a lady that hid behind her books. She always tried her best to study for all sorts of tests. I always thought that she would be a lawyer or a politician. Who would've thought that she wanted to be a cop? She always had her hair in a headband and was the nerd among us. She would be the first to scold us if we ever thought of a stupid idea, like vandalizing the principal's car or throwing cherry bombs in the toilets.  
  
Dressed prim and proper, she would be the only one that would come to school in her school uniform. Not that any of us minded. But, it sometimes grated on Kobayashi's nerves when she would show up in a one-piece bathing suit while Reika was dressed in a skimpy bikini. Of course, that only happened when he got older. She and Reika would be the first to kick any man in the face if they acted like chauvinist pigs, saying that girls can't do this or that.  
  
**It's not a question  
but a lesson learned in time.**  
  
Reika was the Prom Queen when we left high school. But before that, she was most definitely not the stereotypical cheerleader. She was captain of the cheerleading team, but she always wanted to study bugs. She and I began dating while we were still in high school. We've lasted longer than the pairing that was voted "Couple Most Likely to Still Be Together After High School".  
  
She wore those adorable pigtails and the trendiest clothes. She always made an effort to look her best. She was the epitome of perfect, in my mind. But, it wasn't her looks that won me over. It was her brains. She and Saori were probably the only girls that had plans for the future and the will and determination to make their dreams come true.And absence makes the heart grow fonder. I still miss her and hope that she's happy, making her dreams come true.  
  
**It's something unpredictable  
but in the end there's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.**  
  
And then there was Mamoru. He was the one that changed the most, in my eyes. He was everything that I wasn't: A juvenile delinquent with an appetite for destruction and chaos. He would make it a routine to make sure that he'd have a lynch mob after him by lunch break. He'd play Black Sabbath and Metallica as loud as he could on his CD player, just to see how fast security would get here before they came to drag him off to the principal's office. Let's just say that it's a bad thing if your phone number is on speed dial and the principal knows your name.  
  
Despite all the trouble he caused, he was an excellent student when it came to academics. He was in advanced classes and always made the top scores when it came to tests. And he'd purposefully made sure that he didn't wear the uniform, preferring to have every stitch of his clothing be black. From his t-shirt to his socks. And he often wore spiked cuffs and had his hair spiked up. He used to wear this little feather that dangled from the solitary hoop that he wears now.  
  
After high school, he mellowed out. He was too calm, never causing trouble, never thinking of ways to make society miserable. Even his choice of clothes changed. To this day, I want to burn that green jacket that I see him wearing all the time. If there's anything that I miss the most, I miss the old Mamoru Chiba. The old one that had a love for making adults as miserable as possible.  
  
* * *  
  
**So take the photographs  
and still frames in your mind.**  
  
I remember one summer where life for all of us was just miserable because of our parents. So, for one summer, we stayed at Mamoru's place. It was the best summer in my life. Mamoru had some money saved up in a bank account. It wasn't much, but it was plenty for us to survive two months.  
  
Reika and I have gotten closer during those two months while Kobayashi had began to fall in love with Saori. Saori was starting to have a crush on Mamoru while Mamoru himself didn't have thoughts of dropping water balloons on unsuspecting people. Well, most of the time. We were already changing.  
  
I remember when the neighbors called the cops on us because Kobayashi and Mamoru decided to play Van Halen as loud as they could stand. I'm surprised that those two haven't gone deaf, considering how close the two were to the speakers. The cops busted down the door and took Mamoru and Kobayashi in for disturbing the peace. Luckily, Saori, Reika, and myself were doing groceries at the time or the cops would've hauled us in too.  
  
According to their tales of their one night in jail, Kobayashi started fretting; thinking that one of the prisoners would want him. Mamoru had ideas of busting out by using spoons and dig his way out. Cut him some slack, he was sixteen and was panicking a lot.  
  
**Hang it on a shelf  
in good health and good time.**  
  
When we finally managed to bail them out, we all had a heart-to- heart talk about our families. Saori had made everyone some s'mores and served some ice-cold milk for all of us to drink. We had gathered in the living room. Mamoru was sitting on his recliner; Kobayashi and Saori were on one couch while Reika and I were on another. It was shocking to hear about some of the things I heard from everyone. I still remember the conversation, even to this day.  
  
**Tattoos of memories  
and dead skin on trial.**  
  
_"Ne, Saori-chan, how come you wanted to spend the summer here? I thought you got along well with your parents," I remember hearing Mamoru ask to Saori as he ate his s'mores quietly.   
"I had to get away from my chauvinistic pig of a father," Saori replied, clenching her glass tightly, "I'm so sick of that man, saying that I can't do this or that, just because I am a girl! He always says that the only thing I'll be good for is bearing sons, cleaning, and cooking. What the hell does that man know? I have goals in my life that I wish to obtain. Grrrr! It pisses me off when he says things like that. So, I decided to get away from it for a while."  
  
"My dad is expecting me to run the family business. Not that I would mind running an arcade, but I rather be a doctor. I decided to spend my summer here, deciding what I want to be in life," I say, wrapping my arm around Reika. She was leaning against my shoulder, listening carefully to the conversation.  
  
"Motoki, that is so bogus of you. Don't think of the future. It's really bogus doing so. I say live for now and if something gets in the way, it'll smooth out in the end," Kobayashi says as he wraps his arms around Saori, "Of course, my female parental unit doesn't believe that. I'm already considered an outcast just because I'm half-American, half- Japanese."  
  
"Which side?", I hear Reika ask, curiosity striking her. I notice Mamoru was fidgeting uncomfortably, tugging on his spiked choker.  
  
"My male parental unit. He's an officer in the American army. He left the country without even knowing that I existed. And then, my female parental unit married another man," Kobayashi answered.  
  
"My parents think that Motoki and I should stop dating. Like hell I'm going to listen to them on that," Reika rants out, in a mood to rant about her problems with her family.  
  
"...I'm jealous of all of you. When I hear you guys talk about your family, it reminds me of my lack of family," Mamoru says as he gets up. He looks over his shoulder and says, "I'm going to bed. Don't stay up too late."  
  
He retreats to his room, obviously not in the mood to talk. We keep forgetting that Mamoru has no family and that he left the orphanage so that he would have no one watching his every move._  
  
**For what it's worth,  
it was worth all the while.**  
  
After that night, I think Mamoru became relentless in his quest to cause mass chaos for those around him. Thank the stars that we were never on the receiving end. He often enlisted Kobayashi's help on some of his more masterful pranks. Luckily, that only lasted a week before Saori and Reika decided to smack some sense into them and drag them to the movies.  
  
We decided to see some bad American film called "This Island Earth". Saori and Reika were Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, so the girls had fun making fun of it. Mamoru slept through the whole thing while Kobayashi cringed at how stupid it was and I laughed at how silly this movie could be. Eventually, Mamoru woke up and decided to toss some popcorn at us, and that started the popcorn fight between Mamoru, Kobayashi, and myself.  
  
**It's something unpredictable  
but in the end there's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.**  
  
After Exeter crashed his spaceship into the ocean and a few thousand flying popcorn kernels later, we headed back to Mamoru's place to play some of Reika's Famicom games. She was a big fan of Final Fantasy, so we were stuck watching an army full of white mages get killed. It was total bliss then, blessing our ignorance that nothing was going to change.  
  
How incredibly wrong we were.  
  
* * *  
  
**It's something unpredictable  
but in the end there's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.**  
  
When we grew up, we lost everything that made us what we were: Kobayashi lost his surfer language, Saori lost her determination, Reika lost her love of life, and Mamoru lost himself. What did I lose? I lost my honesty. I can't be honest with myself anymore. I hide behind a smile, hiding my hatred for change. But, I suppose it's for the better. At least Mamoru no longer kicks the UFO Catcher machine every time he loses.  
  
**It's something unpredictable  
but in the end there's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.**  
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AUTHOR'S NOTES: A strange Motoki POV, ne? Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Oh well. Lyrics are Green Day's Good Riddance (Time of Your Life). It was that particular song that inspired this fic. This fic doesn't follow any of my previous ones. Thank you and I hope that you've enjoyed it.  



End file.
